I like to think of myself as this girl:

photo from imgkid.com
photo from imgkid.com

I like to think of myself as young and happy with a bright future ahead of me.

Most people think of me as a happy person. They tell me that my name suits me well–I love my name, and I consider myself a happy person too–but sometimes I don’t feel joyful.

I’m a private person (sort of confusing when I have a blog, huh?). I don’t share all my feelings. If I did, people would clearly see that I’m not always smiling on the inside. My emotions are generally a roller coaster. I’m happy; I’m sad. I’m calm; I’m worried. I’m peaceful; I’m fearful. It’s an ongoing circle.

I like the way tears feel on my cheeks. I like listening to melancholy tunes. I like staring out a window at the silhouetted evening.

But I also love sunshine and crisp, autumn air.
I love the giggles of my niece and nephew and siblings.
I love happy music and laughing and celebrating life.
I love these things more.

I want to be Joy.
I want to be known by my smile.
But I’m human too, and so I struggle.

Is joy a constant state of happiness? Is it the art of smiling when you’d rather be crying? Is it a hug when you’re falling apart, and a lilting voice when the world becomes a dirge?

If it is, I can’t be that. Not all the time. I never will. Try as I must, I’ll never fully be my name.

And in admitting that, I’m content. God is joy. I’m not competing with Him.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t do everything right. I cry sometimes. But I’m not afraid to fall on my knees and look to Heaven. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m broken inside. I’m not afraid to be honest, and tell God that I don’t understand.

I want to be Joy.
I want to trust God.

There’s a gentle peace in my heart reminding me that even when I change, Yahweh never changes. He’s always there for me.

He is my joy.
And I want to share that joy with others.

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6 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. Dear Joy,
    I think a lot of times the meaning of our names is our life battlefield, because it is our calling, and the enemy doesn’t want us living it to the fullest.

    1. That’s a very interesting thought, Melanie. Reminds me of that verse in Ecclesiastes, “A good name is better than precious oil.” (Ecc. 7:1)

  2. Your Savior and mine shed tears twice, and sweat blood. Even He had moments of grief, but:

    Hebrews 12:2 – “…for the joy that was set before Him endured the stake…”

    So in moment when joy seems difficult, we have a joy set before us that will enable us to press on. You have a lovely name that not only represents you for the current, but a name that is ultimately your destiny.

    Psalm 16:11b – In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

    1. Thank you, Mr. Tom. Those are wonderful Scripture verses! Yes, only He can give us true joy in those times when we don’t feel joyful. :)

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